I know I ought to overcome this new alliterative habit I've developed before it becomes obnoxious, but it's so addictive! I think it's the restriction that makes it so appealing. In school, I most enjoyed assignments that were narrowly defined. Somehow I felt it was easier to be creative with them. I have a hard time answering open-ended questions. Making a choice when faced with limitless options is much too overwhelming. Too often I am so intent on doing so much of everything, that I end up doing nothing at all. Free will, whether real or imagined, is in some ways a grievious state. There is a crushing responsibility that accompanies the freedom to choose. That sounds needlessly ungrateful, and I'd like to quickly correct for that: I am not suggesting that I do not appreciate the blessed life into which I was born. I do! I am frequently consumed by intense joy and gratitude. But I can't revel in that feeling all of the time, or it would be meaningless. So I do take occasional breaks to sink into hopelessness and self-pity. No I don't. Not really. Do I? I can't remember. Maybe it isn't necessary to have that contrast, so long as I continue to move in the direction of feeling even more gratitude so that I may compare it with my previous, slightly less gracious state. But feelings being ultimately of a chemical nature, I sincerely doubt the integrity of such an approach. We all know that being drunk can feel nice, but after a certain point, being more drunk does not actually feel better. So yes, I am suggesting that it is possible to overdose on gratitude and joy. But that's already commonly understood. I believe it's termed "manic." Or maybe not--according to Wikipedia, the root of the word "mania" means, "to rage, to be furious." But, as with all things, anything extreme enough becomes indistinguishable from it's opposite extreme. Doesn't it?
Oh. I apologize for the rambling. Sometimes I wish my mind were a little more organized. I wish I could just go in there and straighten things up a bit. Make the bed, do some laundry, wash the dishes, vacuum, put things away where they belong. It's truly a mess up there. Some people seem to have such clean, organized brains. Everything is filed away properly, to be easily accessed when needed. Not mine. Just a lot of junk strewn all over the place. Valuable things get lost all the time amidst the clutter.
And there I go again!
All I really meant to say is that my plans are coming along nicely. I move in to my new place in town on the first of next month, and I've already secured a "line of credit" at my bank which I will use to cover what I will still owe on my car after selling it. I'm still planning to leave Sitka at the end of May and spend the summer in Homer. After that, still planning to do some traveling, most likely through WWOOF. But for now I need to focus on working hard at my job, saving money, and finding enjoyable and worthwhile activities to keep me from being restless.
Take care,
Leeann
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Grateful
I'm always amazed at the way things sometimes work out. I'm becoming a firm believer in the idea that if you want to do something, you don't have to know how it's going to happen in order to set things in motion. Decide that you want it, express that desire, and believe that it will happen. Or at least, imagine that it will. I'm not claiming that this works for everything, in all situations, or that what you get will necessarily be exactly what you had first expected, but nonetheless it is surprising how things surface when you decide on what you want and allow yourself to want it.
I'm excited about my current plans. Not that I ever get so attached to plans that I wouldn't be open to new ideas, but still, for now I really like where I'm headed. I gave my landlady notice two days ago that I would be moving out at the end of the month (though I didn't have a new place lined up). Today my friend called me to say that another friend had flagged her down to ask her if she knew anyone who wanted to sublease an apartment in town through February (for about half of what I'm currently paying). And she did know someone, actually! I looked at it today and it is perfect. I still have to confirm it with the current tenant, but if all goes well I will be moving there at the end of the month. And I will attempt to sell my car shortly thereafter, as the new place is ideally located. It's even right across the street from one of my closest friends. I'm so blessed to have people looking out for me, and for things falling into place like this. I also had the offer of a spare bedroom if I needed it for a while. I am so, so thankful for my friends and family!
So, back to the plans: move into this new, cheaper place, sell my car, and take out a personal loan to cover what I owe on my car, beyond what I will be able to get for it (the loan will be $7-8,000). Then spend the winter working full-time and paying that loan down, so that hopefully come late May/early June it will be close to paid off. Then I'll be off to Homer for the summer, to spend time with my family, attend my (other) sister's wedding, and possibly volunteer on an organic farm via WWOOF. I plan to continue doing the Medicaid billing for my current job remotely, 10-15 hrs/week, so I will still have a little bit of income to pay off the remainder of my loans, and save some if I can. I've added one more thing to my agenda, too, which is to visit my dad in Hawaii at the end of the summer (maybe volunteer on a farm there too?) I haven't seen him since May of 2004.
After that is wide open. Travel? More WWOOF-ing? Back to school? Depending on my financial situation, I may need to work somewhere for a while before taking off on any grand adventures, but once I'm free of the car, I will have very little debt except what's left on my student loans, which isn't much. So it shouldn't be too hard, or take too long, to save some money and/or completely pay off my debts. Plus, I read somewhere that you can WWOOF as an Americorps volunteer, and they will forgive part of your student loan! That would be ideal. And there are WWOOF farms everywhere--I was very surprised how many there are even in Alaska.
I am happy about what has been, because it has brought me here, I am happy about what is, and I am hopeful about what may be. What more is there to ask for?
I'm excited about my current plans. Not that I ever get so attached to plans that I wouldn't be open to new ideas, but still, for now I really like where I'm headed. I gave my landlady notice two days ago that I would be moving out at the end of the month (though I didn't have a new place lined up). Today my friend called me to say that another friend had flagged her down to ask her if she knew anyone who wanted to sublease an apartment in town through February (for about half of what I'm currently paying). And she did know someone, actually! I looked at it today and it is perfect. I still have to confirm it with the current tenant, but if all goes well I will be moving there at the end of the month. And I will attempt to sell my car shortly thereafter, as the new place is ideally located. It's even right across the street from one of my closest friends. I'm so blessed to have people looking out for me, and for things falling into place like this. I also had the offer of a spare bedroom if I needed it for a while. I am so, so thankful for my friends and family!
So, back to the plans: move into this new, cheaper place, sell my car, and take out a personal loan to cover what I owe on my car, beyond what I will be able to get for it (the loan will be $7-8,000). Then spend the winter working full-time and paying that loan down, so that hopefully come late May/early June it will be close to paid off. Then I'll be off to Homer for the summer, to spend time with my family, attend my (other) sister's wedding, and possibly volunteer on an organic farm via WWOOF. I plan to continue doing the Medicaid billing for my current job remotely, 10-15 hrs/week, so I will still have a little bit of income to pay off the remainder of my loans, and save some if I can. I've added one more thing to my agenda, too, which is to visit my dad in Hawaii at the end of the summer (maybe volunteer on a farm there too?) I haven't seen him since May of 2004.
After that is wide open. Travel? More WWOOF-ing? Back to school? Depending on my financial situation, I may need to work somewhere for a while before taking off on any grand adventures, but once I'm free of the car, I will have very little debt except what's left on my student loans, which isn't much. So it shouldn't be too hard, or take too long, to save some money and/or completely pay off my debts. Plus, I read somewhere that you can WWOOF as an Americorps volunteer, and they will forgive part of your student loan! That would be ideal. And there are WWOOF farms everywhere--I was very surprised how many there are even in Alaska.
I am happy about what has been, because it has brought me here, I am happy about what is, and I am hopeful about what may be. What more is there to ask for?
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Austin Adventures
I arrived home this evening on the 5:45pm flight. It's good to be back home, in my nice tranquil space, but I had a really good time on my vacation, and in some ways I'm going to miss sharing a hotel room with my teenaged siblings. I wont miss the late night TV shows, constant texting, and towels and clothing strewn all over the place, but I will definitely miss the silly inside jokes and having so much time to bond with them. It was so, so good to see my family, especially the extended family I had not seen for 10+ years. I appreciated every moment I got to spend with them.
On my way to Austin, I spent two nights in Olalla, WA with my friend Rebecca. Her little "house on wheels" is coming along very nicely, and I made friends with her cat, Jojo.
I met up with my family at SeaTac--all seven of us were all on the same flight to Austin. But as I was boarding, I was informed that because I had not taken the first leg of my flight (because I had bought a separate ticket to go to Seattle two days earlier), my enitre itinerary, including my return trip, had been cancelled. Great. But they managed to get me on the flight to Austin, and were able to re-confirm my flight from Seattle to Sitka. And eventually I was able to get my Austin to Seattle leg re-confirmed as well. Yikes. Never miss a flight without telling the airline what you are planning to do. Lesson learned.
In Austin we did the "bat tour" which is a boat that takes us under a specific bridge in downtown Austin where thousands of bats have chosen to reside. At dusk, they begin to fly out of the crevices, and as it gets darker more and more bats fly out until the sky is just swarming with them. That's also when you start to feel the random drops of guano hit you. Eew. It was a pretty unique experience though. It's so odd that the bats choose that one particular bridge to nest in.
My biggest adventure in Austin was my first attempt at "tubing." It sounded nice when they described it to me--you just float down a calm river in an inner-tube, relaxing and soaking up the sun. Sounded lovely. Then I got a little worried when I heard talk of the "chute." But everyone assured me that it was totally safe and mellow and that even toddlers go on it all the time. Okay. Then the guy at the counter strongly encouraged that I purchase a floatation thing for my glasses. Why? He said it was because I had a 50/50 chance of flipping over. What?? Still, everyone said not to worry, it was no big deal. Then someone compared it to a roller coaster. What??? I despise roller coasters. I was almost ready to skip out on the activity altogether, when I was informed that there was an option to avoid the chute. You just get off at a set of stairs, walk past the chute, and get back in. Great! I could handle that. So I relaxed, got in my tube, and enjoyed a short float before spotting the stairs and using my flip-flops to paddle over toward them. I got out easily, and carried my tube to a spot where I could watch everyone go down the chute. Watching people, I was feeling pretty good about my decision to avoid it. It didn't look like something I would enjoy. It was like a winding waterslide that spits you out at the end with a lot of spray. Not my cup of tea. So after watching all my family members go down the chute, I went to the stairs at the bottom (right next to where the chute ends) and got back in my tube. I immediately got pulled over to where the water was spraying out from the chute--but I figured it would just give me a little boost and push me out in the right direction. That's not what happened. All of a sudden, my tube flipped over. At first I was laughing to myself, humored by the irony that in trying to avoid the chute, I ended up getting flipped over anyway. I wasn't worried, because sure, it happens, and you just swim and get back on, right? But it wasn't like that. It wasn't like swimming in a pool, which is the only swimming I've ever done. A strong current kept sucking me down under the water. I fought and fought until I reached the surface and gasped for air. I repeated that process over and over--in complete adrenaline survival mode. Each time I reached the surface I involuntarily yelled, or made some kind of noise--maybe it was just because I had inhaled a little bit of water and was trying to get it out of my lungs, or maybe it was an instinctual reaction to yell, in order to get attention. I don't know. I very much felt as if I might drown--I felt completely out of control of the situation. But I knew I was surrounded by people and I knew that someone would see me and help me out. I got a little over halfway across the river, got my head up out of the water and then saw something I will never forget. My 15-year old little brother, Lewis, was running and leaping off a 5-foot (or so) ledge, right into the rushing water next to me. He helped me grab hold of some wood on the side, and we worked our way over to a set of stairs and got out. I was fine, just shaken, and coughing a little. But I had lost my flip flops and my glasses. Amazingly, someone found both of my black flip flops, but my glasses were never found, depsite the ridiculous neon floating device I had attached to them. So I spent the next few hours hanging out with Alex (my stepdad) not being able to see a thing. But he helped me get a new pair at LensCrafters and I was able to be functional again (thanks Alex!).
I don't want to make this a bigger deal than it is, but I would count it among my percieved "near death experiences" along with being lost on a mountain in a blizzard for a day and a half. This one was shorter, and maybe less dangerous overall, but it felt much scarier and more intense, because the need to breathe is so powerful and immediate. I certainly learned from the experience, and I was also very moved by the bravery and selflessness of my little brother. I'll never, ever forget that.
I would like to try tubing again sometime, but I will definitely be more cautious about the areas of rough water, and will probably wear a life jacket, no matter how much I get made fun of. Totally worth it! Taking some swimming lessons might not hurt either.
The most fun I had on the trip was the wedding reception. After a very beautiful ceremony on the golf course, we went over to the country club for the reception. After one glass of white wine, I was loosened up enough to comfortably talk to anyone, and once the dance floor was open, I was out there! I had so much fun. After a little champagne, and a little more wine, I even went over to the DJ and asked him to dance with me! He graciously declined, (as he couldn't because he was working). The night was over before I knew it, and we were blowing bubbles at Mike and Mollie as they made their grand exit.
I flew to Seattle, spent one more night with Rebecca, camping out in the loft of her unfinished little house, and flew back to Sitka, via Ketchikan, the following afternoon. Now I'm washing clothes, and getting ready to face the remainder of my work-week.
Time to get some sleep.
Goodnight,
Leeann
On my way to Austin, I spent two nights in Olalla, WA with my friend Rebecca. Her little "house on wheels" is coming along very nicely, and I made friends with her cat, Jojo.
I met up with my family at SeaTac--all seven of us were all on the same flight to Austin. But as I was boarding, I was informed that because I had not taken the first leg of my flight (because I had bought a separate ticket to go to Seattle two days earlier), my enitre itinerary, including my return trip, had been cancelled. Great. But they managed to get me on the flight to Austin, and were able to re-confirm my flight from Seattle to Sitka. And eventually I was able to get my Austin to Seattle leg re-confirmed as well. Yikes. Never miss a flight without telling the airline what you are planning to do. Lesson learned.
In Austin we did the "bat tour" which is a boat that takes us under a specific bridge in downtown Austin where thousands of bats have chosen to reside. At dusk, they begin to fly out of the crevices, and as it gets darker more and more bats fly out until the sky is just swarming with them. That's also when you start to feel the random drops of guano hit you. Eew. It was a pretty unique experience though. It's so odd that the bats choose that one particular bridge to nest in.
My biggest adventure in Austin was my first attempt at "tubing." It sounded nice when they described it to me--you just float down a calm river in an inner-tube, relaxing and soaking up the sun. Sounded lovely. Then I got a little worried when I heard talk of the "chute." But everyone assured me that it was totally safe and mellow and that even toddlers go on it all the time. Okay. Then the guy at the counter strongly encouraged that I purchase a floatation thing for my glasses. Why? He said it was because I had a 50/50 chance of flipping over. What?? Still, everyone said not to worry, it was no big deal. Then someone compared it to a roller coaster. What??? I despise roller coasters. I was almost ready to skip out on the activity altogether, when I was informed that there was an option to avoid the chute. You just get off at a set of stairs, walk past the chute, and get back in. Great! I could handle that. So I relaxed, got in my tube, and enjoyed a short float before spotting the stairs and using my flip-flops to paddle over toward them. I got out easily, and carried my tube to a spot where I could watch everyone go down the chute. Watching people, I was feeling pretty good about my decision to avoid it. It didn't look like something I would enjoy. It was like a winding waterslide that spits you out at the end with a lot of spray. Not my cup of tea. So after watching all my family members go down the chute, I went to the stairs at the bottom (right next to where the chute ends) and got back in my tube. I immediately got pulled over to where the water was spraying out from the chute--but I figured it would just give me a little boost and push me out in the right direction. That's not what happened. All of a sudden, my tube flipped over. At first I was laughing to myself, humored by the irony that in trying to avoid the chute, I ended up getting flipped over anyway. I wasn't worried, because sure, it happens, and you just swim and get back on, right? But it wasn't like that. It wasn't like swimming in a pool, which is the only swimming I've ever done. A strong current kept sucking me down under the water. I fought and fought until I reached the surface and gasped for air. I repeated that process over and over--in complete adrenaline survival mode. Each time I reached the surface I involuntarily yelled, or made some kind of noise--maybe it was just because I had inhaled a little bit of water and was trying to get it out of my lungs, or maybe it was an instinctual reaction to yell, in order to get attention. I don't know. I very much felt as if I might drown--I felt completely out of control of the situation. But I knew I was surrounded by people and I knew that someone would see me and help me out. I got a little over halfway across the river, got my head up out of the water and then saw something I will never forget. My 15-year old little brother, Lewis, was running and leaping off a 5-foot (or so) ledge, right into the rushing water next to me. He helped me grab hold of some wood on the side, and we worked our way over to a set of stairs and got out. I was fine, just shaken, and coughing a little. But I had lost my flip flops and my glasses. Amazingly, someone found both of my black flip flops, but my glasses were never found, depsite the ridiculous neon floating device I had attached to them. So I spent the next few hours hanging out with Alex (my stepdad) not being able to see a thing. But he helped me get a new pair at LensCrafters and I was able to be functional again (thanks Alex!).
I don't want to make this a bigger deal than it is, but I would count it among my percieved "near death experiences" along with being lost on a mountain in a blizzard for a day and a half. This one was shorter, and maybe less dangerous overall, but it felt much scarier and more intense, because the need to breathe is so powerful and immediate. I certainly learned from the experience, and I was also very moved by the bravery and selflessness of my little brother. I'll never, ever forget that.
I would like to try tubing again sometime, but I will definitely be more cautious about the areas of rough water, and will probably wear a life jacket, no matter how much I get made fun of. Totally worth it! Taking some swimming lessons might not hurt either.
The most fun I had on the trip was the wedding reception. After a very beautiful ceremony on the golf course, we went over to the country club for the reception. After one glass of white wine, I was loosened up enough to comfortably talk to anyone, and once the dance floor was open, I was out there! I had so much fun. After a little champagne, and a little more wine, I even went over to the DJ and asked him to dance with me! He graciously declined, (as he couldn't because he was working). The night was over before I knew it, and we were blowing bubbles at Mike and Mollie as they made their grand exit.
I flew to Seattle, spent one more night with Rebecca, camping out in the loft of her unfinished little house, and flew back to Sitka, via Ketchikan, the following afternoon. Now I'm washing clothes, and getting ready to face the remainder of my work-week.
Time to get some sleep.
Goodnight,
Leeann
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Post #2
There are limits to how much knowledge we can retain, and access, but there is not a limit to our spiritual growth, regardless of mental capacity. No experience is wasted, even if it is forgotten, because all experiences will ultimately be forgotten, but none will have been wasted. There's no need to worry about which path you choose to take, so long as you are moving, and not sitting still, or drifting backward.
...
My grandmother is losing her memory, due to a head injury and a stroke. She is a courageous, intelligent, and incredibly strong-willed woman. She got her pilots license at 16. She was a nurse in the army. I know so little about her, and I am her only grandchild. She gave me my very first journal, before I had even begun kindergarten. My uneven, awkward letters sprawled across the pages at a heavy slant, with a large period carefully placed after every phonetically spelled word. After I graduated from highschool, she took me on a cruise of the British Isles, along with my aunt, Tori, who recently contacted me for the first time since then. Tori wants me to take a road trip with her to Florida, to see my grandmother before her condition worsens. She wants to go sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas--this year. That side of my family is very small. It's just my grandma, my dad, my aunt, and myself. It's been four years since I've seen my grandma, five years since I've seen my dad, and seven since I've seen my aunt. I have no idea how I will make this trip happen, but I know I need to.
It seems to be the year of reunions in my life. I leave tomorrow to go to my sister's wedding in Austin. I haven't been to Texas or seen my mom's side of the family in over ten years. I'm really looking forward to it, although flying is always a challenge for me. On the way there, I will stop over in Washington to spend two nights with my good friend Rebecca, who is building a little house on wheels. I've always admired her independence and her seemingly effortless ability to be herself. She just does her own thing, without fear of embarrassment or judgement. I guess it makes sense that being oneself shoudn't take effort, but it does for me. I am terribly quick to adjust my interests, mannerisms, and appearance in an attempt to connect with someone I admire. But if I know someone long enough, and well enough, that impulse fades and my true self surfaces--much to the annoyance of those who liked who they thought I was, and much to the relief of those who prefer who I really am.
Next time I'll actually use a prompt from the book, as planned. I guess today I just needed to get a few things off my mind. Thank you for taking the time to read this--I hope you are doing well!
Take care,
Leeann
...
My grandmother is losing her memory, due to a head injury and a stroke. She is a courageous, intelligent, and incredibly strong-willed woman. She got her pilots license at 16. She was a nurse in the army. I know so little about her, and I am her only grandchild. She gave me my very first journal, before I had even begun kindergarten. My uneven, awkward letters sprawled across the pages at a heavy slant, with a large period carefully placed after every phonetically spelled word. After I graduated from highschool, she took me on a cruise of the British Isles, along with my aunt, Tori, who recently contacted me for the first time since then. Tori wants me to take a road trip with her to Florida, to see my grandmother before her condition worsens. She wants to go sometime between Thanksgiving and Christmas--this year. That side of my family is very small. It's just my grandma, my dad, my aunt, and myself. It's been four years since I've seen my grandma, five years since I've seen my dad, and seven since I've seen my aunt. I have no idea how I will make this trip happen, but I know I need to.
It seems to be the year of reunions in my life. I leave tomorrow to go to my sister's wedding in Austin. I haven't been to Texas or seen my mom's side of the family in over ten years. I'm really looking forward to it, although flying is always a challenge for me. On the way there, I will stop over in Washington to spend two nights with my good friend Rebecca, who is building a little house on wheels. I've always admired her independence and her seemingly effortless ability to be herself. She just does her own thing, without fear of embarrassment or judgement. I guess it makes sense that being oneself shoudn't take effort, but it does for me. I am terribly quick to adjust my interests, mannerisms, and appearance in an attempt to connect with someone I admire. But if I know someone long enough, and well enough, that impulse fades and my true self surfaces--much to the annoyance of those who liked who they thought I was, and much to the relief of those who prefer who I really am.
Next time I'll actually use a prompt from the book, as planned. I guess today I just needed to get a few things off my mind. Thank you for taking the time to read this--I hope you are doing well!
Take care,
Leeann
Friday, September 11, 2009
Blank Page
I think it's my perfectionism that keeps me from doing a lot of things I want to do. I'm afraid of screwing up, and of making a fool of myself. I'm full of excuses for why I can't or don't want to do things, at least not right now. I am a passionate, creative person and I love to connect with other people, but I try so hard to keep a lid on that part of myself, to be cautious, to avoid offending or hurting anyone, to avoid embarrassment of any sort. It's exhausting.
I'm not saying that it isn't valuable to be mindful of other people's needs and opinions--it's very valuable. But what many people do is fail to count themselves among the people who's needs and opinions they respect. It's hard to break those patterns, which can be very deeply engrained. But it's not impossible, not at all.
Starting this blog is a small way for me to put myself out there, risk embarassment and offense, and do something I enjoy doing, but am often too inhibited to do. I took a journaling class during my last semester at Sheldon Jackson College, and one of the books we used was Julia Cameron's "The Right to Write." Since I do best with structure (but only if it's self-imposed), I'm going to use the "initiation tools" in this book as prompts for my blog entries--for now. The reason I'm doing this on a blog, and inviting friends and family to read it, is because it's motivation for me to keep up with it. Writing in my personal journal has its appeal, but the idea that I'm actually communicating with someone else is more exciting.
Also, if you happen to enjoy reading this, and you notice that I haven't posted anything for more than a week, please scold me.
Thanks,
Leeann
I'm not saying that it isn't valuable to be mindful of other people's needs and opinions--it's very valuable. But what many people do is fail to count themselves among the people who's needs and opinions they respect. It's hard to break those patterns, which can be very deeply engrained. But it's not impossible, not at all.
Starting this blog is a small way for me to put myself out there, risk embarassment and offense, and do something I enjoy doing, but am often too inhibited to do. I took a journaling class during my last semester at Sheldon Jackson College, and one of the books we used was Julia Cameron's "The Right to Write." Since I do best with structure (but only if it's self-imposed), I'm going to use the "initiation tools" in this book as prompts for my blog entries--for now. The reason I'm doing this on a blog, and inviting friends and family to read it, is because it's motivation for me to keep up with it. Writing in my personal journal has its appeal, but the idea that I'm actually communicating with someone else is more exciting.
Also, if you happen to enjoy reading this, and you notice that I haven't posted anything for more than a week, please scold me.
Thanks,
Leeann
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