Moving On

I know I ought to overcome this new alliterative habit I've developed before it becomes obnoxious, but it's so addictive! I think it's the restriction that makes it so appealing. In school, I most enjoyed assignments that were narrowly defined. Somehow I felt it was easier to be creative with them. I have a hard time answering open-ended questions. Making a choice when faced with limitless options is much too overwhelming. Too often I am so intent on doing so much of everything, that I end up doing nothing at all. Free will, whether real or imagined, is in some ways a grievious state. There is a crushing responsibility that accompanies the freedom to choose. That sounds needlessly ungrateful, and I'd like to quickly correct for that: I am not suggesting that I do not appreciate the blessed life into which I was born. I do! I am frequently consumed by intense joy and gratitude. But I can't revel in that feeling all of the time, or it would be meaningless. So I do take occasional breaks to sink into hopelessness and self-pity. No I don't. Not really. Do I? I can't remember. Maybe it isn't necessary to have that contrast, so long as I continue to move in the direction of feeling even more gratitude so that I may compare it with my previous, slightly less gracious state. But feelings being ultimately of a chemical nature, I sincerely doubt the integrity of such an approach. We all know that being drunk can feel nice, but after a certain point, being more drunk does not actually feel better. So yes, I am suggesting that it is possible to overdose on gratitude and joy. But that's already commonly understood. I believe it's termed "manic." Or maybe not--according to Wikipedia, the root of the word "mania" means, "to rage, to be furious." But, as with all things, anything extreme enough becomes indistinguishable from it's opposite extreme. Doesn't it?

Oh. I apologize for the rambling. Sometimes I wish my mind were a little more organized. I wish I could just go in there and straighten things up a bit. Make the bed, do some laundry, wash the dishes, vacuum, put things away where they belong. It's truly a mess up there. Some people seem to have such clean, organized brains. Everything is filed away properly, to be easily accessed when needed. Not mine. Just a lot of junk strewn all over the place. Valuable things get lost all the time amidst the clutter.

And there I go again!

All I really meant to say is that my plans are coming along nicely. I move in to my new place in town on the first of next month, and I've already secured a "line of credit" at my bank which I will use to cover what I will still owe on my car after selling it. I'm still planning to leave Sitka at the end of May and spend the summer in Homer. After that, still planning to do some traveling, most likely through WWOOF. But for now I need to focus on working hard at my job, saving money, and finding enjoyable and worthwhile activities to keep me from being restless.

Take care,

Leeann

Grateful

I'm always amazed at the way things sometimes work out. I'm becoming a firm believer in the idea that if you want to do something, you don't have to know how it's going to happen in order to set things in motion. Decide that you want it, express that desire, and believe that it will happen. Or at least, imagine that it will. I'm not claiming that this works for everything, in all situations, or that what you get will necessarily be exactly what you had first expected, but nonetheless it is surprising how things surface when you decide on what you want and allow yourself to want it.

I'm excited about my current plans. Not that I ever get so attached to plans that I wouldn't be open to new ideas, but still, for now I really like where I'm headed. I gave my landlady notice two days ago that I would be moving out at the end of the month (though I didn't have a new place lined up). Today my friend called me to say that another friend had flagged her down to ask her if she knew anyone who wanted to sublease an apartment in town through February (for about half of what I'm currently paying). And she did know someone, actually! I looked at it today and it is perfect. I still have to confirm it with the current tenant, but if all goes well I will be moving there at the end of the month. And I will attempt to sell my car shortly thereafter, as the new place is ideally located. It's even right across the street from one of my closest friends. I'm so blessed to have people looking out for me, and for things falling into place like this. I also had the offer of a spare bedroom if I needed it for a while. I am so, so thankful for my friends and family!

So, back to the plans: move into this new, cheaper place, sell my car, and take out a personal loan to cover what I owe on my car, beyond what I will be able to get for it (the loan will be $7-8,000). Then spend the winter working full-time and paying that loan down, so that hopefully come late May/early June it will be close to paid off. Then I'll be off to Homer for the summer, to spend time with my family, attend my (other) sister's wedding, and possibly volunteer on an organic farm via WWOOF. I plan to continue doing the Medicaid billing for my current job remotely, 10-15 hrs/week, so I will still have a little bit of income to pay off the remainder of my loans, and save some if I can. I've added one more thing to my agenda, too, which is to visit my dad in Hawaii at the end of the summer (maybe volunteer on a farm there too?) I haven't seen him since May of 2004.

After that is wide open. Travel? More WWOOF-ing? Back to school? Depending on my financial situation, I may need to work somewhere for a while before taking off on any grand adventures, but once I'm free of the car, I will have very little debt except what's left on my student loans, which isn't much. So it shouldn't be too hard, or take too long, to save some money and/or completely pay off my debts. Plus, I read somewhere that you can WWOOF as an Americorps volunteer, and they will forgive part of your student loan! That would be ideal. And there are WWOOF farms everywhere--I was very surprised how many there are even in Alaska.

I am happy about what has been, because it has brought me here, I am happy about what is, and I am hopeful about what may be. What more is there to ask for?